Does any conversation with your partner seem to turn into a shouting match?
Do you feel like your partner can’t (or won’t) hear what you have to say?
Does your partner often seem to yell at you more than they talk to you?
Yelling, yelling, and arguing happen. We all lose our cool from time to time and say things harsher than we mean to. Some of us try to keep our intense emotions in check, but then we have a big meltdown and let it all out.
You may have been mostly on the receiving end of your partner’s anger and yelling. Or it could be that you tend to turn up to their intensity level and you both end up yelling.
While it’s certainly not healthy to hold back your emotions or try to hide how you really feel, it’s also not healthy or effective to communicate with your partner by yelling and yelling.
As you probably already know, when you’re yelled at, it’s almost impossible to really hear the meaning of the yelled words. When you’re yelling, it’s also almost impossible to communicate and be heard.
If your partner is in the habit of yelling at you and you want them to stop so you can really communicate and connect, try these 5 tips…
#1: Recognize your role.
It is rarely easy to recognize that you also play a role in the conflict that is occurring in your love relationship or marriage, but most likely you do. Have the courage to recognize the role you play.
It could be your tendency to become defensive, to shut down and shut up, to criticize, blame or judge. When you feel calm and clear-headed, think back to the last time you and your partner argued or he or she yelled at you. If you were an observer looking at this situation, what would you notice about how you normally act and react?
Be sure to take responsibility for your part and not for the entire dynamic. Acknowledging your role does NOT mean that you blame yourself for your partner’s yelling, words, or actions.
#2: Disrupt the usual pattern and try something different.
Once you have a better idea of what you usually do when your partner yells (or even before he or she yells), you can begin to notice earlier when you do the things that fuel the conflict situation.
When you notice your own voice starting to rise or you feel yourself shutting down and becoming silent, or whatever you do, then you can interrupt yourself midway. You can stop before the tension builds and the screaming starts (or continues).
While you’re doing this, you can also try some new responses to your partner’s yelling or hostility.
#3: Remember to breathe.
As mundane as it sounds, remembering to breathe in the midst of a tense moment or argument can make a world of difference.
What often happens when a person feels threatened or tense is that they breathe more shallowly and rapidly or even hold their breath. As a result, the entire physiological system becomes tighter, adrenaline increases, and there is a greater chance that the person will react rather than respond to whatever is happening.
The reaction is usually fight, flight or freeze. These are life-saving reactions in certain situations, but they never lead to connecting communication.
Remind yourself to breathe and slow and deepen your breath at all times, especially when you and your partner are in conflict or there is yelling.
#4: Expect to be respected and heard.
Expectations are powerful. We wait for the sun to rise and then set each day. We expect our cars to transport us from one place to another.
And, over time, we develop expectations about ourselves and our partner.
You may expect your partner to yell and yell at you when you make a mistake or disappoint them in any way. You can expect your partner to ignore or not understand what you are trying to say.
Expectations are neither good nor bad, but they do have a strong influence on how we react to situations that come our way.
If you’re about to talk to your partner about a difficult topic and he or she has a history of yelling at you, chances are you’re going into this conversation expecting him or her to yell at you or a fight to ensue.
There may be a long history that supports your expectations, or perhaps some salient memories have led you to believe that your partner will yell at you or not understand you.
Be wise and aware, but also make sure that you are responding to what is happening in the present moment rather than reacting from the past and your expectations.
#5: Create agreements and set limits.
When the two of you are calm, ask him to come to some agreements with you about how you will communicate with each other.
The key to creating agreements that will really bring improvement is to make sure that you both feel free to be honest and realistic when you make them. An ultimatum is NOT an agreement. Once you’ve found the words for an agreement you both agree with, make sure you both understand it in the same way.
There are times when setting a limit is also required. If your partner refuses to make (or follow) agreements with you, it might be time for you to clarify what you will and will not allow.
This requires you to affirm to yourself the kind of respect and interaction you want in your relationship and then support it.
