I’ve been trying to figure out exactly where love is highest in my world; so that I can go there. If that means I have to move, so be it. It’s a challenging concept for me to think about: Where do I feel most supported? With whom do I feel most appreciated? Whose company do I really enjoy? Who really enjoys my company? Who is looking for me? Who can I teach? Where can I grow more? What exactly do I want to develop in myself during this new beginning? What kind of growth would I like to see in myself?
When my husband was dying, I was so full of remorse. He was so hardworking. He worked all the time. Weekends. Night hours. Over time. In the months leading up to his death, he often apologized to me for the time he couldn’t spend with me…and for the time he chose to work with me. He said that he thought he would have more time. To tell the truth, we both thought he would have more time. How could we have known? All I know is I don’t want those regrets. My husband’s death scared me so much, even shocked me, that I lived my life completely on purpose. I have to live now… fully… henceforth… no exceptions. No apologies. I can’t let his death be in vain. He doesn’t deserve that. He was too good of a man.
So, I’m living my life fully aware and conscious now for the first time in a long time—since I was a little kid and believed I really could do anything and be whoever I wanted or needed to be…and since before the wreck. I have discovered that I am tired of waiting in the world. I’m not making excuses not to pursue my dreams. Now I sing and laugh out loud. I do cartwheels in my living room. I dance — even with the curtains open sometimes again. I jump across the open fields like when I was a child and my adult teeth were still coming in. I ride my bike without hands. I walk barefoot through the grass after the rain. I always let the sunlight dry my hair…and I often order dessert first and eat it much more often. How not to, after seeing my beloved husband vanish in front of me? I do not! Nope! I am in search of everything! I am reaching out, stretching… holding on to my own future and actively participating in its creation on every level. I have become my own cosmic wizard.
