Shirley’s husband of 42 years died suddenly this spring due to a heart condition. Brittany’s husband served in the US Army in Iraq for the last 9 months. This was supposed to be their first Christmas together, but he won’t be home. Martha is confined to her home and lives in an assisted living facility; her family is hundreds of miles away. Stuart’s son died; everyone asks how his wife is, but no one asks how she feels. Shelley recently divorced and is living with her mother again.
There is a myth that the holiday tort affects only those who have lost a loved one. The truth is that holiday grievances and anxiety affect many people, all experiencing different life-changing situations that challenge them to find a solution. reason for the season. For each, the Christmas celebrations will change; and they will not be what they were.
Perhaps, you remember the paintings and covers of the Saturday afternoon mail during the 50’s and 60’s? Norman Rockwell’s photographs always tell a story. His images portrayed American life and values. People rushed to newsstands to buy the prestigious magazine and found ecstasy in the scenes he illustrated. His time with Mail it ended in 1963, but his masterpieces continued to tell the stories of life as it used to be.
In our lives today, whether or not we grew up in the days of Norman Rockwell, we construct visual images worthy of Norman Rockwell’s collection of Christmas paintings. In our minds, we remember the “ideal” holiday event and the positive emotions that surround it. Rockwell’s Christmas themes depict a lively and brave Santa Claus full of surprises; playful children and perfect families enjoying the typical family gatherings; festive meals; build snowmen; and chasing the postman. Everything in his photos is perfect. Rockwell once said, “I paint life as I would like it to be.”
We are influenced by the great images of artists like Rockwell. I wish life could always be “as we would like it to be”. Unfortunately, the realities of life are sometimes harsh. We try to avoid them by misunderstanding the truths and creating a mythical feeling of euphoria. We fight the daze of Christmas complaints and give in to the myths that complicate our already cloudy vision of the upcoming holidays. The grievance and the holidays come loaded with many myths.
What is a myth?
A myth is a story or something that is not true and can be passed down from generation to generation, like a legend. It is often a made-up story or fact that cannot be validated. A myth, however, is something very easy to believe.because we want to believe it.
Grief over loss makes us vulnerable to many myths. Things are not always what they seem. Our beliefs and attitudes are very powerful forces in our lives. We have a perception of what vacations should be like based on past vacations and the “ideal” vacation. Often our perception of vacations can be a myth. We believe that everything has to be perfect or the party is not worth celebrating.
What kind of vacation do you imagine this year? Is it a season filled with doom and gloom, or can he put aside his grievance and create a kind of Norman Rockwell vacation where everything is almost perfect? Or, at least, a vacation that is the best it can be.
It is possible to change the myths and create new realities that will allow you to pass the season with grace and sanity, under your control. Here are some ideas on how to expose these myths and replace them with a new reality.
Myth: Christmas complaints start around Christmas Eve and end just after New Year’s Day or when the decorations come down.
TRUE: The holidays may start earlier for some people. In fact, the holidays can start as early as Halloween. Around our house, the holidays started just before deer hunting season. Usually we were experiencing the first snow and the men would begin to celebrate the “spirit” of deer hunting while the women would begin to develop the “spirit of the season” by shopping. This was the tradition.
After the death of our son, Chad, the tradition lost its shine. The harsh reality was that hunting wasn’t as exciting as it used to be, and Chad wasn’t going. Some friends gave us a DVD of Chad on one of his last hunting parties in the shack. Fourteen years had passed since his death. The DVD was on our table, because we were both so scared to see the image of it and experience the raw loss again. Finally, we played the DVD and with tears of great joy (and sadness) we witnessed the spirit of our beautiful son who loved to “horse around”, dance and hang out with the boys. It was a “good” cry.
The holidays still start around hunting season for us, but it’s not about hunting anymore. Gary stopped hunting, but I didn’t stop shopping. The focus was not on Christmas and gifts, but on organizing a community holiday grievance program and enjoying ongoing relationships with family and friends.
So how do you dispel the myth and create a manageable vacation? Map out a time frame for your holiday season…be it a week, a couple of days, or however long you think the “hard” times will be. Create a sign for yourself that tells you when that period of time has ended. For us, the queue is to bring down the Christmas tree. is our sign relief Holidays are over and we can get back to routine.
Prepare for awkward moments and thoughtless questions and comments. You are going to get them. In your mind, determine how you will respond and stick to your rehearsed responses. Plan an escape. If you are in a “captured” environment, drive your own car. Or have an excuse when you want to leave. You determine when.
I can imagine Norman Rockwell illustrating this scene in the world today. I see a “runaway” because it’s conveniently parked curbside with the engine running when Uncle Jack pats you on the back and says, “You’re strong. Keep your upper lip stiff.”
Myth: In meetings, it is inappropriate to mention fond memories of loved ones who have passed away. It makes others feel uncomfortable.
Truth: Vacations are a time for reflection. Remembering our loved one is essential to our good health and healing. Stories and memories will be with us throughout our lives and are the only true source of pleasure.
Create a safe environment and remember out loud. Say his name and laugh at the rich stories of life. She sheds a tear and continues to say silently, “I still love you.” She teaches others that love lasts forever; what you need to remember; and this is their reality for handling grievances.
I can imagine Norman Rockwell illustrating today’s scene. The family can be gathered around a well-illustrated, loose-bound collection using the best scrapbooking skills. It is a volume of infinite photographs that tell the story of a life through printing techniques, varied memories, anecdotes and written interpretation of a particular event or day. A memory candle burns slowly on the same table. Family and friends of all ages share the experience with mixed expressions: smiles, tears, laughter, pointing fingers and hugs.
Myth: Traditions are something you do year after year and shouldn’t be changed.
TRUE: Just because we’ve always done it that way doesn’t mean we can’t infuse our celebration with new ideas that fit this generation of life and the present moment.
Every family goes through changes in lifestyle, and those changes affect how traditions are continued or interrupted. The kids move out and go to college. Parents become “empty nesters” and “snowbirds”. Teenagers want to spend more time with their friends than with family during the holidays. Elderly parents don’t want to cook; therefore, they may choose to go out for dinner.
At some point, we seem to outgrow traditions like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Maybe a death in the family is one of those moments that means “let’s try something new.”
So how do you dispel this myth and create a manageable vacation? Be open minded. Reflect on past changes in other families and your own. If traditions bring back sad memories, change them. Don’t be a puppet and let others tell you how to get through the day. There are no set rules. Create a family contest about who can come up with the best “new” tradition. It is admirable to take pride in traditions that work.
I can imagine Norman Rockwell illustrating this scene today with a Christmas tree glowing with red, blue, orange and hot pink LED lights and Grandma and Grandpa engaging in an exciting game of Wii bowling on the big screen plasma television . (I bet they beat the grandkids!)
Myth: Come the second Christmas season, I’ll get over my complaint and be able to go back to the old traditions.
TRUE: The second holiday can feel just as sad as the first. And for many, going back to past holiday traditions is no longer desirable.
The second Christmas season for us was not as easy as I originally thought it might be. But because we changed traditions during the first Christmas season, it was easier to accept that the change was good and we wanted to do it that way again.
Remember that grief is a process and that it takes a different amount of time to heal for each of us. Don’t rush the process. If the second vacation is still a bit painful, you can try the third and in the meantime work to remove the barriers between peace and the past. The holidays will always lack some of the precious moments of years past, but that doesn’t mean the holidays can’t be good.
A real positive influence in dissolving holiday grievance is “giving to someone else.” Giving-means not gifts, but time and yourself. There are so many people in need in every community. Volunteer at charity events. Ring a bell for the Salvation Army. Choose a gift name from the Tree of Generosity. Do something for someone who “feels good.”
I can imagine Norman Rockwell illustrating this life change by drawing a grieving mother and father serving meals in the large kitchen of a local shelter or gently comforting someone less fortunate with a loving hand on their shoulder. A church bell rings softly outside the window as delicate snowflakes filter through the streetlight. A bright star, the star of HOPE shines magnificently in the distance.
Hope is an attitude of the spirit and an energy for the soul. Challenge myths and create new realities. Norman Rockwell’s illustrations today can clearly be very different than they used to be. His gift would represent human values that show a deep sensitivity to the pain of life. While he showed “life as I want it to be”, new illustrations could bear witness to the testimonies of triumph over pain and life “as it is”. This year be like Norman Rockwell, he creates a new canvas. He paints your holidays as you want them to be.
