We are often faced with statements, actions, arguments, behavior, etc. that is extremely irritating. Whether it’s road rage, an annoying co-worker, or a whiny teen, it’s an unfortunate but sure bet that you’ll be feeling angry several times a week. So how can you handle it when faced with a provocation that would make the Buddha quiver with rage?
1. Keep your attention on the motivation behind the provocation. Is the person angering you doing it on purpose, or is it a byproduct of words or behavior that they probably consider perfectly appropriate? If it’s the former, don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he made it. If it’s the latter, consider whether showing annoyance would stop the behavior or simply let your opponent know that you’ve found a weak point.
2. Breathe. This is great advice for almost any situation, but it’s especially great for dealing with anger. Can react,which implies instinctive emotional feedback done without any kind of reflection, or it can reply, which involves feedback that follows a pause and analysis/reflection to determine how best to approach the provocation. It is much better to respond than to react. There’s no reason you can’t stay silent for a few seconds (which can seem like forever to you and your opponent) while you weigh your options.
3. Speak softly. Most of us tend to raise our voices when we speak in anger. Therefore, it is disarming to do the opposite and speak softer. The effect is to appear reasonable and controlled (especially useful if your opponent is ranting and raving and appearing out of control) and to force your opponent to listen carefully to hear what he has to say. In Japanese culture, when two parties are arguing, the one who raises his voice first loses. It’s a difficult tactic for many of us to master, but if you can speak softly in the face of provocation, you’ll have a much better chance of controlling your anger.
4. Wind. Express your anger in a forum that does not pose any risk of exposing it. Writing can be helpful, but especially if you’re writing an angry response to an email, make sure you don’t accidentally send it!
5. Exercise. That’s physical ventilation. Whenever possible, it’s a great idea to get up and take a walk instead of brooding over a situation that makes you angry.
6. Selective release of anger. Sometimes it’s absolutely appropriate to express your anger at the person whose behavior caused it. But consider the consequences of such an expression. Will you end a relationship? Are you willing to lose ground? Will your expressed anger cause the person to react in a way that will cause you even more trouble? And when you choose to show anger, consider doing it with just your words, but continue to speak in a low, even tone of voice. That will reinforce the gravity of your words.
And, despite our best efforts at these tactics, sometimes we all lose our temper. Especially in times of frustration and stress, it’s easy to let it slide. When that happens, don’t be afraid to apologize and admit that you are human.