Relationships can be sticky at times. Even with your spouse, you may not agree on everything. But what do you do when you have a disagreement about something? You can avoid having a fight in favor of discovering your differences and coming to a new and deeper understanding of your spouse or partner. Try empathy.
Empathy is one of the most important communication skills you can practice in any relationship. Empathy is a way of seeing a situation from the other person’s perspective. But when you have a disagreement, sometimes that can be a challenge.
Developed by Japanese schoolchildren and explained in the book, Looking out Looking in by Ron Adler and Neil Towne, The Pillow Method is a unique perspective-taking and empathy-building exercise to test if you have a disagreement. Using the pillow method will help you see your spouse’s point of view and will likely prevent a heated argument.
There are five steps to achieving empathy using the Pillow Method:
Step 1: “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Consider that you are right and your spouse is wrong. This is the perspective we usually take, so it is the obvious first step.
Step 2: “You’re right, I’m wrong.” Now take the opposite assumption. Assume that he is wrong and your spouse is right in this situation. Your goal is to find a way to understand how your spouse might behave in a way that you don’t agree with.
Step 3: “Both good, both bad.” Find the common ground and recognize the strengths and weaknesses of each position.
Step 4: “The subject is not as important as it seems.” Try not to get so involved in a disagreement that it will eventually fizzle out. This too shall pass, so be aware of it and release some of the tension.
step 5: “There is truth in all four perspectives.” Each of the above perspectives has its own truth. Once you look at a situation from each of these perspectives, you may not come to a point of agreement, but you will understand each other better. When you can understand your spouse better, you can often tolerate the position that will lead to an improvement in the communication climate in your relationship.
By following these simple steps, you can avoid a heated argument and end up feeling closer to your spouse. As you and your spouse practice this Pillow Method, you will enjoy the benefits of a stronger marriage over time.