The emotions
Divorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for most people, particularly when children are involved. Mutual friends enjoyed during the marriage may not help because those people may not want to “pick sides.” A divorce will present you with a whole new balancing act.
The effect on productivity at work
You should be aware of how the divorce process affects your ability to function in your job. There may be times when you feel overwhelmed by the workload of a typical day. On such occasions, you may want to contribute work in terms of what you can handle.
You may sometimes find yourself unusually irritable and snappy with friends and colleagues, uncommunicative, depressed, and distracted. You should try to be alert to these personality and mood swings and work with a counselor to resolve them. Sometimes this may involve temporarily changing project responsibilities or adjusting assignments until a level of fairness is reached. On other days, you may not be able to cope with the work or home environment at all, no matter how light the workload is. When this happens, it may be wise to request a brief personal leave. If your behavior and interaction cannot be modified by temporary changes, you may need to seek professional advice during this stressful period.
Keep in mind that while you’re getting a divorce, you’ll face numerous demands on your time: meeting with an attorney, accountant, and counselor, possibly locating a new residence (and furnishing it), and establishing new lines of credit. Whenever possible, plan ahead for these contingencies by asking your employer for projects that don’t have a tight deadline. Flexible work arrangements, such as job sharing or the opportunity to make up lost time by working nights or weekends, are other possibilities.
You must not allow others to treat you like an emotional cripple. You are probably already experiencing feelings of powerlessness and inability to control your life. By being overprotective and shielding you from the daily realities of the workplace or interfering with co-workers or clients, the employer may only exacerbate those feelings. Work may be the only place where you can gain a sense of self-esteem and personal strength during this difficult time.
The process
Some people navigating their way through the divorce process may experience fatalistic or, conversely, unreasonably optimistic feelings, and may rely on myths of the divorce process that further complicate the situation (for example, the belief that the system is completely biased by gender). Unfortunately, the legal process is not designed to address the emotional problems of the participants. Although there are milestones, such as the presentation of the initial documents, there are no real emotional discharges. Even the finalization of a divorce is a bittersweet experience and is likely to feel like a disappointment. No one really wins in a divorce because the estate is always divided and both individuals have less assets than they did before the divorce. Unfortunately, the legal process is often one of attrition. The time and expense of the legal process often dictate the results, as one party can no longer afford the resources or time to pursue disputes.
The many difficult aspects of the legal process often cause frustration and result in increased anger and hurt. Combined with the plethora of negative emotions that led to the divorce in the first place, someone facing divorce may turn to revenge as their primary motivation and extend the divorce proceedings to hurt the other spouse. On the other hand, a spouse may prolong the divorce process in the hope that reconciliation will occur.
The solutions
Mediation may be the best answer. If you and your spouse are still able to communicate and have something in common, mediation may be the most affordable, efficient, and effective way to resolve divorce issues. The mediator must be well trained and competent in the area of family law. You should consult with an attorney before and after mediation to be properly advised on negotiating the issues and whether the end result is a comprehensive solution.
You may need guidance in selecting an attorney. Your union, the company’s corporate attorney, or the human resources department may be a source of names. The lawyer should practice primarily, if not exclusively, in the area of family law (the area has become too complicated to be handled effectively by the generalist). The attorney should have the most up-to-date investigative software and resources available within the office (Lexis and FinPlan Divorce Planner are good examples). Competence, comfort and convenience are three main considerations when selecting the attorney. Assess whether the attorney has a plan that will appropriately allocate resources to achieve realistic and successful goals.
You should be aware of the importance of limiting the conversation with the attorney to the basics and not trying to convince the attorney that the soon-to-be ex-spouse is a less than admirable human being; that’s for a counselor. You’ll also save time and resources for an already stretched budget. Also, one should not be afraid to ask another attorney for a second opinion at any point in the process. It is no more inappropriate than asking a doctor for a second opinion about a serious medical condition.
The divorce process is time-consuming even in the simplest cases and will take a lot out of your schedule. Because the courts and your attorney are likely working the same hours as you, some absences and work interruptions are likely to be unavoidable. Short dates, especially, are not optional. Inform your employer immediately of any short dates, as such occasions may require at least a half day’s absence from work. When providing documentation of income or other employment information, keep in mind that the courts have strict guidelines and time limits. Quickly providing the necessary information is essential.
Lastly, as an attorney, I remind my clients that the legal process of divorce is basically about dividing assets, arranging custody, establishing alimony, and dealing with insurance and debt, among other matters. It is not the last argument or the final revenge. While a lawyer can help a person going through the divorce process with legal matters, emotional help is more appropriately available from close friends or professional counselors.
Please contact me if I can ever help you answer a question about legal representation in the divorce process.