In “Relationship Deal Making, Part 1,” I introduced you to Karen and Henry. Although Karen loved Gary and Henry loved Hannah, each had a desire to turn the love they experienced in the present into a committed relationship that would last into the future.
It’s a common experience for singles to confront factors in life that can conflict with their love for a dating couple, forcing them to decide what compromises or “trades” to make to make theirs a lasting relationship. . As I introduced in Part 1, a life partnership essentially becomes a “deal” created between two people, requiring negotiation and agreement on a number of important life issues. So the ability to live with the person you love becomes “a big deal.”
Karen and Henry faced the dilemma of how to move their relationships toward commitment. This is how they identified the trade-offs and deciding factors in their relationships and set out to close the best deal.
Karen’s dissatisfaction with her relationship with Gary motivated her to solve the problem by addressing it directly. She told Gary that she loved him and that she wanted to spend more time together, and Gary said that she felt the same way. She then suggested that they make a schedule to be together, similar to the one he uses to visit her son. Gary responded by telling Karen that he felt she was putting pressure on him. She said that she was doing the best she could. She explained how she supported her business and parenting efforts, but she needed more time alone with him to continue the relationship. Gary said that he also needed to be with Karen as much as possible, but he couldn’t guarantee that she would be able to stick to a schedule.
Karen noted that Gary perceived her as a nuisance, which was clearly not the result she wanted. But she could understand why he would react that way if he was unable to satisfy her need for more quality time together. On the other hand, Karen sensed that Gary was giving her an ultimatum:This is all I can give you, take it or leave it. After the conversation, Karen understood that the deal to stay in the relationship required her to accept the time he gave her and sacrifice it by working on a future together. Otherwise, they would be in a continuous struggle for power. Although she loved Gary, this deal was ultimately unacceptable to Karen: Gary’s inability to make her a higher priority was enough to break the deal and end the relationship.
One night at dinner with Hannah, Henry mentioned his concern about her dependence on her mother and sisters. He shared his vision of the kind of marriage he wanted: one in which each of them had their primary loyalty to the other, committed to creating a separate loving home that met his mutual needs. He specifically expressed his discomfort with Hannah’s “ultra-closeness” with her mother and her sisters; he then asked Hannah if she was willing to part ways with them to create this kind of loyal partnership with him. Hannah listened and thought about Henry’s request. She admitted that it would be a challenge to separate from her mother and her sisters, but with his love and support (which she sincerely loved and shared), she could make her partnership her number one priority.
A week later, seeing how consistent Hannah’s behavior was with what she said, Henry proposed to her.
and Hannah accepted.
You may recall from Part 1 that Hannah initially dismissed Henry’s concerns about his attachment to his family, and even suggested that he take advantage of the benefits such closeness could provide. But Henry had rejected this type of relationship with his family as a condition of staying with Hannah, i.e. he was not willing to make the “exchange” and instead 1) shared his feelings with Hannah and b) asked what he wanted. Hannah herself had to weigh the pros and cons of the deal Henry presented her with. She understood that in order to create the loyal partnership they both envisioned, she would have to “compensate” for her dependence on her family.
An interesting aspect of love is that, especially in the early stages, singles can ignore life factors that could become obstacles to the future of their relationship. “But we’re in love! We have to be together! We’ll work things out!”
And that’s exactly what the challenge becomes: “working things out” by communicating, negotiating, and compromising to determine what you can and can’t live with, seeing if you can create a path to love in the future. It doesn’t sound “romantic”, but it doesn’t sound like nagging or getting involved in power struggles either. And that’s why love IS a “big deal,” the deal of a lifetime.
© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.