On the long and winding road of divorce and co-parenting with your ex, I found many opportunities to judge and punish myself. It happens, sure, but I’d like to suggest another healthier option: self-pity.
When we hit each other, we focus on what we did that didn’t work rather than what we can do differently. When we say, “I have to stop doing x, yoz,” we do not normally suggest an alternative to unwanted behavior. As a result, we cannot replace old behaviors with a “don’t do that” for two reasons. First, there is nothing to replace “don’t”, and second, what we hear in our brains when we say “don’t do x” is actually “DO x”. So what do we do? We end up repeating the same behaviors even when we desperately want to do something different. I know you know what I mean!
When we judge ourselves, we ask ourselves, “Why would I do such a stupid thing?” When we do that, we are not likely to understand “why” we made the decision we made because we are actively engaging a part of the brain that can only judge, blame and criticize. In other words, the answer to “why would I do such a stupid thing?” It would be an answer like “because he’s an idiot, he deserves it.” Now, “because I always do that, I will never change.” These answers may relieve you for the time being, but in the long run, they are likely to prevent you from making real change. Furthermore, they are disempowering. Instead of empowering yourself to make a change, when you judge the other person, the only hope is that the other person changes. When you judge yourself, the probability that you will change is also quite limited because you have not provided an alternative way of behaving.
I am very familiar with judging and punishing myself. I used to do it quite a bit. I could get so angry and get stuck in my own self-pity that nothing would change. I played competitive tennis as a kid and would get very mad at myself if I didn’t play well, hit the ball where I wanted or pretended or couldn’t run fast enough. When I was upset, there was no way I could hear from my coach what I had to do to adjust my swing to play better. Instead, I had a story that I was telling myself; I was slow and never ran fast, so I didn’t bother trying to improve my speed. After all, it would never get better. You can see how counterproductive this was for me. Can you hear how much I wallowed in self-pity?
When you were angry, frustrated, and even discouraged, you couldn’t learn or improve. Even when the coach told me what to do differently, if it didn’t work right away or if I made the same mistake later, he would punish me and judge me again. In those moments, my brain and body were so consumed by intense emotions that I could not integrate the help that my coach was trying to give me. At those times, I guess it wasn’t so much fun to be with me!
I recently took some tennis lessons while visiting my parents in Florida. He had not played tennis for 2 decades or more. My expectations were low. All I really wanted to do was have fun and get back to playing tennis without the pressure of having to give up or win. Many times he didn’t hit the ball well and he definitely wasn’t running as fast as he used to. But what I noticed amazed me. I was never mad at myself.
I could see what I had to do to correct my swing and play better, and lo and behold, when I made the change in my swing, my game improved. The times he couldn’t figure out what he was doing “wrong,” he would ask the professional and then make any necessary adjustments. He was completely open and receptive to feedback and learning.
I didn’t stop to judge my mistakes as a statement of kindness, ability, or self-worth. Rather, I celebrated how well I played after not having played for 2 decades. I was even impressed with how fast he ran and how often he could hit the “short” or “drop” balls. It was a FULL EXPLOSION!
What does this silly story have to do with why you shouldn’t be judged or punished? I learned an incredibly valuable lesson through this experience. When our regrets lead us to judge ourselves and punish ourselves, we are usually closed to learning something new and find ourselves caught up in some version of a story about not being good enough and that we cannot and will not change. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
On the other hand, self-compassion supports our growth and transformation because we approach our mistakes and errors from a forgiveness perspective rather than a judgmental and critical perspective. You face yourself with kindness and understanding. It is as if you say to yourself: “I see that you are suffering and that matters to me. Sometimes life is hard.” It means letting go of the mistaken belief that you (or anyone else) need or are supposed to be perfect. It means accepting your shortcomings as opportunities for growth and learning rather than as indications of being “less than” or unworthy. As we recover from the trauma of divorce, our ability to hold ourselves (and others) compassionately rather than judgmental becomes a more natural response.
When we learn to give ourselves compassion, we see behaviors and choices (which we would rather not have made) as opportunities for learning, growth, and improvement. We remain open and responsive. From this perspective, we are open to learning. When the tennis pro told me how to adjust my swing and I listened and adjusted it, it seemed like an amazing and fun experience, one that I am now applying to many other experiences in my life. http://www.parentingwithyourex.com